Prometheus is a beautiful movie. It is also – based on the few things I have read – a stand-alone prequel to the Alien franchise. It’s an origin story that features aliens. Some of the aliens look like the aliens you see in Aliens. This is not a reboot. I’ve seen people say the first half or the first two-thirds of the movie are good and then it goes off the rails.

For me, it seemed off the rails early. Prometheus is a very good looking movie that had a script written on Swiss cheese. Because of all the holes in the plot. Get it? There are a lot of interesting sci-fi and alien-related ideas throughout the movie including one creepy, scary, cringe-worthy, uncomfortable uncomfortable scene that was incredibly done and should stand up against some of the best scenes from the entire Alien catalog. Having said that…

I don’t want to describe the movie. I want to tear it apart. The trailer for Prometheus, combined with the storied movie franchise that it is now apart of made this movie look epic and badass. While the visuals and small stand-alone bits were great, it turns out this was a clown movie, bro.

See, that reference should stand the test of time about as well as this movie. Instead of the blockbuster everyone was hoping for, Prometheus turned out to be nothing more than another summer popcorn flick. Now let’s get to making fun of this shiny piece of shit.

SPOILERS AHEAD

The movie opened with a giant white human-type alien. A Caucalien if you will. What was he? Where was he? He’s supposed to be an engineer, but why did he drink that ever-evolving black goo? We don’t know for sure until the part of the movie where we have left the theater, gone home and looked it up on the internet.

Why did Charlize Theron do pushups as soon as she came out of stasis? The preview made her look like some sort of solider on some Fifth Element shit, but it turns out that is just future underpants. So why was she doing pushups? Is she a fitness freak? Because it seems like she’s just some blonde form corporate through the rest of the movie.

Fassbender…  up Fassbender in Prometheus.

I mentioned the crazy uncomfortable scene and obviously I’m talking about when Elizabeth Shaw was giving birth to the alien. Alien abortion claw game should be in every arcade on the boardwalk this summer. It is an obvious tie-in to help with Bluray sales.

Oh, so why couldn’t that machine operate on women? This is a billion dollar piece of medical machinery that they only made 10 (something like that) of ever.  This rare, expensive, top of the line piece of medical technology only operates on men? What the fuck is that? It’s the 2090′s man! What happened to equal rights?

If you think the most incredible piece of medical equipment in the history of mankind not operating on women doesn’t make sense, then you should have loved all the characters.

The ship had a 17 person crew and they couldn’t find 17 people who wanted to be there? You would think that this mission would be something you could get people to agree to participate in before they get on an spaceship and get put into a deep sleep for multiple years.

Unsurprisingly, the worst character in the entire movie was the geologist. A tattoed ginger dickhead who was there because he wanted to get paid and because he liked rocks. What? You’re flying millions of miles and years across multiple galaxies and you bring a fucking geologist? And a botanist with a future hood on his sweatshirt.

As for Idris Elba, he sports an… odd… accent in this movie, eh? My question is what is the point of a captain if he’s asleep for the first four years of your journey? How did the robot get them that far alone? Then they wake up Janek to land the ship? And then they kill Stringer Bell. (/nods at Bomani Jones)

And how are five fucking dots a map!? A cave drawing of people pointing at the sky is an invitation? Are you serious? If the all-powerful beings who created man wanted man to come find them, maybe they would have left a more detailed note? J. Walter Weatherman wouldn’t have stood for that shit.

Let’s say you have traveled a billion light years away. You get there, step off the space ship and your scientist says, “Hey, it’s just like the Earth’s atmosphere!” Don’t you at least wait for 5, maybe 10 full minutes of tests to come back before you take off your helmet?

Now for the horrible death of the botanist and the bad ass geologist. If an alien snake creature pokes its head out of a black stream, don’t try and play with it like a fucking puppy.

That’s it. I won’t even mention Fassbender’s head in the backpack. I look forward to Prometheu2.