The Denver Nuggets went 38-28 this season. They were the 6th seed in the Western Conference playoffs and lost to the Los Angeles Lakers in seven games in the first round. It was like the 40-degree day of an NBA season.

Luckily, Denver Post columnist Mark Kiszla has an idea to get the next Nuggets’ season up into the 60′s (both wins and degrees!) – trade for LeBron James. I know! It is so simple, I can’t believe no one else has thought of it. Let’s take a look at how he plans to get it done. From the Denver Post:

The difference between your Denver Nuggets and Oklahoma City is bigger than Kevin Durant, the planet’s best basketball player.

Wait. That’s the first sentence? Why don’t the Nuggets trade for Kevin Durant? From the title, I assumed the Nuggets were going to trade for LeBron James because he was the best, but now I’m being told Durant is the best. Yeah, Denver should trade for him instead of LeBron. I think we’ve got tomorrow’s column.

[UPDATE: I finished this earlier today, but the words of this column were stuck in my head like they had been sung by Carly Rae Jepsen. As I realized no one could seriously think Kevin Durant was the best player in the NBA, I suddenly realized what Kiszla was doing - he was driving down Lebron's trade value! There are more layers to this column that we previously imagined. This guy is good. Kevin Durant good. *wink*]

The Thunder’s young guns want nothing less than championship rings. The Nuggets will settle for Good Job, Good Effort T-shirts.

I see what he did there. He referenced the Good Job, Good Effort Kid. Topical, clever – no wonder this guy is a columnist. Though I’m not quite sure he understands what it means to “settle” for less than a championship ring in the NBA. Only one team gets to win a title, no matter how hard the other teams work or want it. When you think about it that way, it doesn’t really seem fair.

Something needs to change.

Agreed. Everybody should get a ring. Wait. He meant the Nuggets roster, didn’t he. Good because ain’t nobody give a fuck about a 38-win (lockout-shortened) season. (What I did there. Do you see it? I’m referencing The Wire. It’s a neat little trick internet writers use. Back to Kiszla.

Bring me LeBron James. Yes, to Denver. Big dreams require big action. And more than a little luck.

Boom. Titletown, USA. Population: However many people live in Denver! Let’s jump ahead to why the Nuggets should trade for LeBron. I bet it’s because he’s awesome. Not best-player-in-the-world-Kevin-Durant-good, but still pretty damn good.

My premise is based on birthday candles.

Oh.

Who is older: Durant, who has surpassed Kobe Bryant as the league’s most lethal weapon, or Gallinari, cited by the Nuggets as a primary example of the team’s growth potential?

Gallinari? No. Durant. I bet it’s Durant. It was a trick question.

Read the answer and weep: Durant was born in September 1988, one month later than Gallinari entered the world.

Dammit! It wasn’t a trick question at all.

So long as Gallinari lives, he will always be older but never better than Durant.

Hold on – did he just suggest we kill Danilo Gallinari? That is the only way that Durant will ever surpass Gallinari in age. My LeBron! He wants us to kill Gallinari. I know he shot 1-for-9 in Game 7 against the Lakers, but that is just sick! I know what you’re thinking – Will this mile-high murderous columnist compare the birthdays of other players? Yes. Yes he will.

Oklahoma City point guard Russell Westbrook is 374 days younger than Denver counterpart Lawson. Thunder sharpshooter James Harden has nearly four years less mileage on his sneakers than Afflalo.

Somebody should tell Afflalo to get a new pair of kicks. I only play a few days a week and I still have to get new sneakers every year or so.

Notice a pattern?

I notice multiple patterns. They’re all on Russell Westbrook’s shirts. *rim shot*

These Nuggets are going to be eating OKC dust from here to eternity.

Believe me. You do not want to eat OKC for an eternity. They have so much dust in OKC they named a whole decade after it. I’ll skip ahead again. There was something about Carmelo Anthony. I got lost. Eventually he gets back to trading for LeBron.

Ever since he took his talents to South Beach, James has often looked as uncomfortable as a flannel shirt on a tropical night, no matter how well he passes, rebounds or scores.

That’s a damn powerful turn of phrase.

Heat president Pat Riley knows he has a spectacular but fatally flawed roster. The Heat is not winning the championship this year. There figures to be pressure for a major overhaul.

And you know that the key to building a championship contender is to trade away the best – sorry – second best player in basketball. “Trade the 280-pound All-Defensive Team point center averaging 28, 8 and 6 in his playoff career,” the people of Miami will scream. Pat Riley is old. He’ll probably take a case of Coors Light and some Miami-friendly Hawaiian shirts in exchange for LeBron.

So, the Nuggets should pick up the telephone during the next month and make a trade proposal: Lawson, Gallinari and Afflalo for James. Karl tells me that’s the core of his squad. But Denver would have a stronger chance to win a championship with a starting lineup of James, Andre Miller, Wilson Chandler, Kenneth Faried and JaVale McGee.

Boom. Ty Lawson, Danilo Gallinari and Aaaron Afflalo. Not only do the Heat lose their best player, they also get a backup for Dwyane Wade, another point guard and a severe downgrade at small forward. Also, they have addressed their biggest issue – interior scoring not having a guy from Italy on the team. This is such a good trade for the Heat that I bet they sit LeBron on Saturday so he doesn’t get hurt and risk blowing this deal. Here’s what a lifelong Brewers fan thought about this trade idea:

That Denver post column is something I would have thought up when I was 8 years old about the Brewers. I’ll give Seattle Cal Eldred, Jesse Orosco, BJ Surhoff and Pat Listach for Griffey and Randy Johnson.

Funny, but would Eldred, Orosco, Surhoff and Listach for Griffy and Johnson have worked in the ESPN trade machine? Because this one does. That’s how you know it is going to happen.

Of course, there’s always the possibility Miami would scoff at trading James — or Dwyane Wade, for that matter — in return for Lawson, Gallinari and Afflalo.

That’s a possibility!? Who could be so foolish?

Then we would know the rest of the NBA doesn’t hold Denver’s talent in as high regard as the Nuggets do.

Oh boy. This is awkward.

You have a smarter idea to improve Denver’s team? I’m all ears.

He’s got me there. I probably don’t have a smarter idea than “trade for best player in entire world,” but I could probably come up with a couple more realistic ones. I’d start by writing a column about luring Phil Jackson out of retirement and trading for Andrew Bynum, Chris Paul and Rudy Gay, Tyreke Evans and Josh Smith. Either way, I’m with Mark Kiszla. The Nuggets should get on a blockbuster trade now. Like a 40-degree day!

[Denver Post, Getty]
[h/t: Happy, Brewers comparison via Stigs]