Roundup: Scott Van Pelt is Staying at ESPN, Bryce Harper Hit His 1st Home Run & Watch a Lamborghini Get in a Car Accident
Nicole Scherzinger … you can’t text and walk in one New Jersey town … “Can a Better Vibrator Inspire an Age of Great American Sex?” … great story about a janitor graduating from Columbia … a GIF of Kate Beckinsale doing the Dougie on Ellen … “Disaster losses set to outpace economic growth” … man spends $60k in custody battle over his dog … ”FBI Agent Who Investigated Unabomber Arrested On Child Pornography Charges” … the world’s largest public toilet …
Scott Van Pelt announced on twitter he’s staying at ESPN. [SVP]
Bryce Harper hit his first homer in the majors. [Wash Post]
Oklahoma QB Landry Jones won’t have a few of his receivers early next season due to suspensions. [Oklahoman]
Matt Kemp is going on the DL with a strained hamstring. [LA Times]
“Colorado teenagers are alleging that two mothers who chaperoned their high school prom sprayed Lysol disinfectant on teens they thought were dirty dancing, calling them ‘sluts’ and ‘whores.’” [ABC News]
Fifty-two year old woman is competing in Division III track and field. [The Daily]
It appears Manny Ramirez will be joining the Oakland A’s at the end of the month. [SF Gate]
Dale Hunter has decided he’s done coaching the Washington Capitals. [Times]
Former Kentucky basketball player Michael Porter arrested on sex charges. [John Clay's Sidelines]
Wrigley Field must be destroyed! [WSJ]
“A woman on probation for changing the grades of football players at Antioch High School — where she was a teacher and her husband head coach — is now facing multiple counts of forgery for allegedly scamming her new employer.” [Sun-Times]
Hot dog in a Lamborghini probably feels really stupid right now.
Accelerator got stuck. The accident injured 17 people.
Is Summer’s Eve that funny? [via Traina]
Ferrari flies through right light, crashes into car. If you believe the YouTube comments, three people were killed. [via Adam]


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117 Responses to “Roundup: Scott Van Pelt is Staying at ESPN, Bryce Harper Hit His 1st Home Run & Watch a Lamborghini Get in a Car Accident”
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May 15th, 2012 at 8:18 AM
That was some great parking between the double lines. Wow. His license should be taken away for stupidity.
May 15th, 2012 at 8:20 AM
Anyone hear Howard complaining that Sirius hasn’t been promoting his AGT gig? I don’t think I have ever disagreed with him more on anything than I do right now.
May 15th, 2012 at 8:21 AM
Bryce Harper hit his first homer in the majors.
This guy is great for baseball right now. Hope he keeps it up as he is going to be one of those guys that you either love or love to hate.
May 15th, 2012 at 8:24 AM
Sachtleben was caught because he allegedly accessed the email address pedodave69@yahoo.com from his home.
Pedo Dave strikes again. They’re just blatant about their perverse exploits aren’t they?
May 15th, 2012 at 8:27 AM
Accelerator got stuck. The accident injured 17 people.
Turn off the car.
May 15th, 2012 at 8:33 AM
It appears Manny Ramirez will be joining the Oakland A’s at the end of the month.
Manny should have gotten a lawyer. Apparently those sample collectors can’t do anything right.
May 15th, 2012 at 8:34 AM
pretty sure you will be reading the same story regarding Tyler Wilson at Arkansas here pretty quick.
May 15th, 2012 at 8:35 AM
Has Sammy Watkins received his punishment yet?
May 15th, 2012 at 8:37 AM
holy shit, I thought you made that up. the goatee strikes again.
May 15th, 2012 at 8:37 AM
Ahem…lady commentators care to comment?
May 15th, 2012 at 8:38 AM
Went to MLB.com tonight and they had his pic circling the bases, he just had the perfect douche face going on. For some reason it’s a different pic on the site this morning, but last night it was the perfect pursed lips FIGJAM look. Yeah, I’m gonna love to hate him.
May 15th, 2012 at 8:41 AM
I’m going to buy a 1973 Lincoln Continental with the express purpose of killing people on the highways who are texting and driving, particularly in the left lane.
I am so fucking tired of distracted drivers. I’m going to stroke out behind the wheel someday when some fucking dickhead is too busy looking at his phone to get his dumb fucking ass out of the way.
May 15th, 2012 at 8:41 AM
with that said…
how ’bout them motions Kobe went through last night?
May 15th, 2012 at 8:43 AM
I’m going to buy a 1973 Lincoln Continental with the express purpose of killing people on the highways who are texting and driving, particularly in the left lane.
I am so fucking tired of distracted drivers. I’m going to stroke out behind the wheel someday when some fucking dickhead is too busy looking at his phone to get his dumb fucking ass out of the way.
I call shotgun.
May 15th, 2012 at 8:43 AM
That story about the janitor graduating from Columbia is fantastic. Very bootstrappy. Can’t wait until this guy is used as evidence for why welfare should be abolished. Lazy poorz.
May 15th, 2012 at 8:44 AM
great story about a janitor graduating from Columbia
Matt Damon?
May 15th, 2012 at 8:44 AM
Good morning soused, you look terrible, late night? Well here’s a mediocre picture of an attractive woman, a bunch of interesting links and videos of the uber wealthy killing people with their toys. Have a nice day.
May 15th, 2012 at 8:44 AM
Well, Kate Beckinsale wins yet again
May 15th, 2012 at 8:47 AM
Got tickets to take a client to the company suite at the Garden for the Rangers game tomorrow night, that place is going to be rocking. Can we just fast forward through today please? Thanks
May 15th, 2012 at 8:48 AM
Nicole scherzinger….you know you’re annoying and terrible at your job when you can’t even keep your gig on a singing competition and britney spears is replacing you.
And the scamming teacher..thats the lazy with batshit crazy eyes and big cans.
/awaits yardwork
//goes gray
May 15th, 2012 at 8:48 AM
Turn off the car.
I can’t watch videos here at work so I don’t know what kind of car this is, but if its a modern car I don’t think turning the car off would work. I know my truck can’t turn off unless its in park, and I don’t think you want to shift to park in that situation. I would guess the way to go would be to shift into neutral and slam on the brake.
May 15th, 2012 at 8:50 AM
Lady…
And prayers out to guinessgirl..shes having surgery today.
May 15th, 2012 at 8:50 AM
gary patterson thinks this is bullshit.
May 15th, 2012 at 8:51 AM
Having done some research on the Unabomber case, it’s not like this guy (link above) was hunting down Ted in the NW Wilderness. Ted got turned in by his family. The FBI investigation didnt have Ted K. in their sights – at all. He was pretty smart, they tried stuff like checking the back of his mail bomb stamps for saliva/dna – nothing. He vacuumed out his packages prior to mailing.
May 15th, 2012 at 8:51 AM
And prayers out to guinessgirl..shes having surgery today.
Seconded
May 15th, 2012 at 8:52 AM
when I was a kid my dad bought one of these (or within a year or two) and had fixed it up. the family would load up and take it out on sundays. it was like Kramers pimp car. Fire engine red, white vinyl top, white leather interior, 2 door. that car was the shit, he sold it before I was old enough drive though.
May 15th, 2012 at 8:52 AM
indeed.
May 15th, 2012 at 8:54 AM
You know she was double-dipping with some of those football players. Where were these crazy ladies when I was in high school???
May 15th, 2012 at 8:54 AM
Good luck to guinessgirl, and hope all is well.
May 15th, 2012 at 8:54 AM
Speaking of drivers….Death to the Last Minute Turn Signal Club. Wait, let’s slow down and maybe turn while holding up traffic..OH OH hit the signal and go now so people behind us will honk and get pissed!!
May 15th, 2012 at 8:54 AM
Can we just fast forward through today please? Thanks
Yeah so I can watch my Pacers shat the bed in the 4th quarter again tonight
/God I hate the Heat
May 15th, 2012 at 8:57 AM
Adam Dunn’s return to glory has been enjoyable…sad the team still reeks of mediocrity around him though
May 15th, 2012 at 8:58 AM
/awaits yardwork
Break up the Tribe!
May 15th, 2012 at 8:59 AM
I have a pretty shitty car. I keep praying and waiting for the day that I get a new car by being rear-ended by cell phone guy.
May 15th, 2012 at 8:59 AM
Wrigley Field must be destroyed!
Agreed!
/reads article, sees that the Cubs and their fans won’t be inside while it’s destroyed
//sad panda’d
May 15th, 2012 at 9:00 AM
I’m sure the Red Sox did that over the weekend!
/prepares for a Josh Beckett start tonight
May 15th, 2012 at 9:00 AM
agreed
May 15th, 2012 at 9:02 AM
Good luck guinessgirl. Hope everything turns out ok.
May 15th, 2012 at 9:02 AM
I’ve been waiting for this for a couple years. and I’ve had the opportunity a couple times, but I totally pussed out every time. I’m always worried they will search my truck and find something stupid and turn the tables on me.
May 15th, 2012 at 9:03 AM
I’m going to buy a 1973 Lincoln Continental
From about 2004-2008 I had a 1991 Ford Crown Victoria. Massive V8 engine, could stop on a dime. It only had 13K on it (some old person had in their garage forever). I ran wild with that thing. I’d just pull out in front of anybody b/c nobody in their tiny modern cars would want to hit that tank. Fortunately I live like 3-4 miles from my job so gas wasnt an issue. Sad day when I had to retire that thing.
May 15th, 2012 at 9:03 AM
Best of luck to GG.
May 15th, 2012 at 9:03 AM
I’m pretty sure he was complaining how Sirius wasn’t taking advantage of advertising Sirius on AGT. Not Sirius promoting AGT.
May 15th, 2012 at 9:03 AM
Howard Stern ranting about some perceived slight? Things haven’t changed, I see.
May 15th, 2012 at 9:05 AM
What’s with all the dash-cams these days?
Also, fuck you for recording an accident and then not sticking around until the cops show up.
May 15th, 2012 at 9:05 AM
Holy shit that was intense.
May 15th, 2012 at 9:07 AM
I get a new car by being rear-ended by cell phone guy.
My wife’s got rear-ended twice in traffic. She was fine thankfully but outside of the car repairs, we got checks from their insurance companies to accept in exchange for not litigating. Also, without soliciation, we got tons of literature in the mail from personal injury lawyers. Also, a good friend’s mother had her foot shattered in a cell-phone driving deal. She’s got a brutal limp now but her house is paid off.
May 15th, 2012 at 9:07 AM
Howard wishes Sirius had gotten involved w/ his America’s Got Talent gig. The promotions people should b all over it but they’re ignoring it
I just caught the end of this on the radio, but then this tweet came out. I guess I read it as Sirius should be advertising about him being on AGT. I will listen to the West Coast feed to hear it in full.
May 15th, 2012 at 9:09 AM
More wishes for GG. Take care of yourself!
May 15th, 2012 at 9:10 AM
That’s a great name. Well done.
May 15th, 2012 at 9:12 AM
Seconded. Best wishes!
May 15th, 2012 at 9:13 AM
Really cool cover (of all things, a LMFAO song).
May 15th, 2012 at 9:13 AM
From what I understand, he is constantly railing on Sirius, and particularly their other “celebrity hosts” for never promoting themselves on the radio.
May 15th, 2012 at 9:15 AM
I was thinking the same thing with the Singapore one. the Seinfeld last episode was on last nite on TBS, reminded me of the Good Samaritan law.
May 15th, 2012 at 9:16 AM
I’m going to buy a 1973 Lincoln Continental with the express purpose of killing people on the highways who are texting and driving, particularly in the left lane.
I am so fucking tired of distracted drivers. I’m going to stroke out behind the wheel someday when some fucking dickhead is too busy looking at his phone to get his dumb fucking ass out of the way.
dude, dfw drivers are the worst. you are right, constantly distracted, and they all go 45-55 on the freeway. it kills me.
also, no more nicole scherzingefferzein. that bitch is digusting, and you post her too much. we all think that. stop it, godamit.
May 15th, 2012 at 9:17 AM
Same in Jersey, except they go 80+.
May 15th, 2012 at 9:18 AM
Accelerator got stuck. The accident injured 17 people.
Holy shit that was intense.
He did pretty good driving the car until he didn’t.
May 15th, 2012 at 9:18 AM
the Seinfeld last episode
I loved that George was still railing about not getting the same treatment Ted Danson got from NBC, and how they tied the “middle button defines the shirt” bit from the first episode.
May 15th, 2012 at 9:20 AM
It reminded me of playing GTA when you would hold down the accelerator for as long as you could before you crashed. I fucking loved doing that.
May 15th, 2012 at 9:21 AM
Got in on a chunk of Facebook shares at employee pricing through a buddy of mine. Pretty sure I will do nothing but stare at Yahoo finance and CNBC all day Friday. Could be a banner day for the Von Matterhorns or I could be drinking myself to sleep all weekend.
May 15th, 2012 at 9:21 AM
I think that’s really Diana Ross mislabeled in the photo wire.
May 15th, 2012 at 9:22 AM
I live about 28 miles from the office and have to quell the Hulk moments about 5-6 times a day. It’s like parents forgot to teach their goddamned kids what driving courtesy really means.
Driving is all about having a minimal effect on the drivers around you. I don’t understand why more folks can’t treat it this way.
May 15th, 2012 at 9:23 AM
First class doesn’t make it anymore. Now you get on the phone with Kimbrough, tell him what happened and tell him to get another plane down here, but this time, the good one – the Ted Danson plane.!!!!
George: Haven’t we had this conversation before?
Jerry: You think?
George: I think we have.
Jerry: Yeah, maybe we have.
May 15th, 2012 at 9:23 AM
I really enjoyed the triple lane changes they do a couple weeks back. Was not expecting that.
May 15th, 2012 at 9:24 AM
So not worth it.
May 15th, 2012 at 9:26 AM
So does everyone have a dashboard cam and/or film while driving now?
May 15th, 2012 at 9:26 AM
You’ll be shitting in high cotton if you decide to move out to Southlake/Colleyville. 114 will have managed toll lanes and that shit will fly.
May 15th, 2012 at 9:27 AM
THIS. People also tend to drive with their eyes in front of them, and not pay attention to drivers in the rearview mirror. Annoys the hell out of me, when someone in the right-lane pulls into the passing lane and does about 5-10 mph slower than you as you are coming up. You got to break/slow down. It’s about the big Mo……Momentum.
/Cruise control. Greatest car invention E-V-E-R
May 15th, 2012 at 9:27 AM
I am so fucking tired of distracted drivers. I’m going to stroke out behind the wheel someday when some fucking dickhead is too busy looking at his phone to get his dumb fucking ass out of the way.
Seconded. Driving in a bit of a stop and go traffic today and I saw a Jersey State Trooper texting and driving. Fucking bullshit!
May 15th, 2012 at 9:28 AM
Hot dog, we have a wiener!
May 15th, 2012 at 9:28 AM
I wished gg luck yesterday so I won’t repeat myself. I also made a boob job joke that I hope was taken in jest.
Fuck Frank Frank. He is Armando 2.0.
May 15th, 2012 at 9:33 AM
You’ll be shitting in high cotton if you decide to move out to Southlake/Colleyville. 114 will have managed toll lanes and that shit will fly.
when is it supposed to be done? i think that is the only real thing holding us back at this point.
May 15th, 2012 at 9:33 AM
Very stellar. Great sounding guitar and vocal.
Dan Girardi was a warrior last night.
May 15th, 2012 at 9:37 AM
30 for 30 is coming back…with Grantland
May 15th, 2012 at 9:40 AM
Golfed with one of the project engineers and he said they’re 6 months ahead of schedule. He thought June 2013 would be the handoff date.
May 15th, 2012 at 9:41 AM
I expect the home prices to rise out there once the project completes. At least, I hope they do.
May 15th, 2012 at 9:41 AM
now that is fucked up.
May 15th, 2012 at 9:42 AM
He didn’t say that, he said he didn’t understand why Sirius wasn’t taking the opportunity to buy advertising on AGT or at least try for some cross promotion.
May 15th, 2012 at 9:42 AM
Fun fact, NJ State Trooper uniforms were modeled after the Nazi SS.
May 15th, 2012 at 9:44 AM
30 for 30 is coming back…with Grantland
Good. I always thought Bo Jackson should have been included in the first go around.
And they might as well change the name. 30 for 30 doesn’t make sense anymore.
May 15th, 2012 at 9:45 AM
He didn’t say that, he said he didn’t understand why Sirius wasn’t taking the opportunity to buy advertising on AGT or at least try for some cross promotion.
Yeah I just caught the end of it, and then saw the tweet. Listening to West Coast feed to catch it from beginning.
May 15th, 2012 at 9:45 AM
I expect the home prices to rise out there once the project completes. At least, I hope they do.
i think that is a reasonable expectation. we are trying to make sure we are ready to leave the city, you just cant find an affordable house with good schools in dallas. its literally impossible.
May 15th, 2012 at 9:46 AM
Neither does The Big Ten but brand recognition can be beneficial when the original was pretty good
May 15th, 2012 at 9:47 AM
A guy here at my office bought a knockdown in HP in the mid-90s. Instead of knocking it down, he added on to it. He just wanted the school district for his kids and didn’t care if they lived in a hovel or not. I guess that’s a good move?
May 15th, 2012 at 9:50 AM
What’s she having surgery for?
May 15th, 2012 at 9:51 AM
“Slums of Beverly Hills” in real life.
May 15th, 2012 at 9:52 AM
And where the hell is everyone today? Not even 90 comments by 9:00 am. What is this? 2007?
May 15th, 2012 at 9:52 AM
Best to GG, and a speedy recovery.
May 15th, 2012 at 9:53 AM
I’m on my 2nd Dunkin coffee and have dug out the beef jerky from my packed lunch. Let’s do this.
May 15th, 2012 at 9:54 AM
Great article about Patrice O’neal
http://nymag.com/news/features/patrice-oneal-2012-5/
Saw him live 3 times, he was hilarious every time.
May 15th, 2012 at 9:55 AM
Best of luck to GG.
Was busy with two back to back meetings at 8 & 9. Those are the worst.
May 15th, 2012 at 9:55 AM
Jck,
GG didn’t specify; only said she was having surgery
May 15th, 2012 at 9:56 AM
A guy here at my office bought a knockdown in HP in the mid-90s. Instead of knocking it down, he added on to it. He just wanted the school district for his kids and didn’t care if they lived in a hovel or not. I guess that’s a good move?
that is fairly common. i dont think its real smart, you are substituting a decent house (with a giant price tag) for good schools just because you want to be in the parking lot that is HP. you can get the whole package plus more in the burbs.
May 15th, 2012 at 9:58 AM
Win / Win.
May 15th, 2012 at 10:00 AM
Neither does The Big Ten but brand recognition can be beneficial when the original was pretty good Butters
Understood.
And where the hell is everyone today? Not even 90 comments by 9:00 am. What is this? 2007?
TBL did another tweak. And don’t you dare call it a change, because these are just tweaks. He changed the AM round-up to 9:00 est for the summer. Because all of us take summer breaks and don’t work. Or something.
May 15th, 2012 at 10:02 AM
they use it to communicate with other officers more efficiently than using the radio
/official line from the state police
//wanking motion
May 15th, 2012 at 10:02 AM
It’s Tuesday, May 15. I assume everyone has the day off right?
/TBL
May 15th, 2012 at 10:03 AM
Coffee pot is empty in our office, and I’m too lazy to make the next pot. Might have to get out of my chair dammit.
May 15th, 2012 at 10:03 AM
The one thing I don’t miss from living in Dallas are the long commutes. Driving from Lewisville to Plano every day, 28 miles. Never again. Now I walk to work. And no 90 consecutive days with a high of 100, low of 83.
May 15th, 2012 at 10:08 AM
Amen, long commutes are the worst.
Poor, poor man. How ever did you survive?
/wanking motion
May 15th, 2012 at 10:10 AM
Quite the change when he started to sing.
May 15th, 2012 at 10:13 AM
shit, I drive 13 miles one-way to work with not a whole lot of traffic and it fucking blows. 28 miles in DFW would be a fucking nightmare.
May 15th, 2012 at 10:13 AM
i went from 56 miles one way, to 24 miles one way, down to 7 miles one way. based on what i’m doing now, 24 miles one way felt like a prison sentence, i shudder when i remember my 56 mile commute now.
May 15th, 2012 at 10:14 AM
Driving from Lewisville to Plano every day, 28 miles.
Poor, poor man. How ever did you survive?
shit, I drive 13 miles one-way to work with not a whole lot of traffic and it fucking blows. 28 miles in DFW would be a fucking nightmare.
i currently drive 42 mi each way.
May 15th, 2012 at 10:17 AM
22 miles each way
/no one cares
May 15th, 2012 at 10:17 AM
I walk 10 minutes to my office.
May 15th, 2012 at 10:17 AM
I went from 50 miles of hell to 30 easy miles. Now I feel like I get in my car and get right back out.
May 15th, 2012 at 10:18 AM
I drive 1.5 miles
/pats self on the back
May 15th, 2012 at 10:19 AM
no one cares about anything when the roundup has 100 comments
/TBL Distopia
May 15th, 2012 at 10:21 AM
I like how you called it the AM Roundup.
/Free the PM Roundup!
May 15th, 2012 at 10:21 AM
I walk across the street to any of 4 coffee houses and a Giant Eagle Market District. My laptop bag eternally smells of fresh-ground coffee beans.
May 15th, 2012 at 10:22 AM
Giant eagle..i remember that store from my time in western PA
May 15th, 2012 at 10:32 AM
Had a 1 hour and 15 minute twice daily public transit trip with two subways and a bus to a shit part of town (scarlem) before. I got a lot of reading done when I wasn’t fantasizing about murdering everyone.
/Good luck to Guinness Girl in here sex reassignment surgery, you will catch that rainbow.
May 15th, 2012 at 10:41 AM
Death to the Last Minute Turn Signal Club
Fun Fact:
Did you know that turn signals are optional equipment on all cars driven in Georgia?
May 15th, 2012 at 10:53 AM
Wrigley Field must be destroyed!
Agreed!
/reads article, sees that the Cubs and their fans won’t be inside while it’s destroyed
//sad panda’d
awesome
May 15th, 2012 at 10:55 AM
Nicole scherzinger….you know you’re annoying and terrible at your job when you can’t even keep your gig on a singing competition and britney spears is replacing you.
Agreed.
But, yes. Yes I would.
May 15th, 2012 at 11:23 AM
I used to do that each way when I lived in the burbs. Now I walk a block and a half to the office.
May 15th, 2012 at 11:24 AM
Accelerator got stuck. The accident injured 17 people.
How do you not throw it in neutral?