Each week Stephen Teach-Me-How-To Douglas and I will recap some of the bigger stories from the lively week in athletics. It’s a completely original idea that we started over two years ago. Every time this post appears, Pepé Le Pew takes a pimp stroll through Paris. As always, please remember to be as irrational as possible when interacting with your fellow TBL commenters.

This week the world was introduced to Vanessa Hudgens, Selena Gomez and Ashley Benson spraying beer on one another.

1. March Madness

CRM — The first day of the tournament sucked, but it was still fun to watch basketball for 13 straight hours. Now let’s keep it going today and then by the time Saturday rolls around we’ll have some real excitement on our hands. We can’t rely on beer and bar food to make everything interesting.

TSH — Give me Tyus Edney coast-to-coast or a Tate George buzzer-beater accompanied by an utterly lost Elden Campbell, and I’m all set.

2. Peyton Manning

TSH — If Peyton opts for the Titans, we’ll be treated to Manning-Luck twice a year presumably for at least the next couple seasons. That alone should make your stance on his landing spot rather easy.

CRM — Man, he is totally going to sign somewhere. I hope that it’s with my favorite team.

3. NBA Trade Deadline

TSH — The Greg Oden era is officially over in Portland. We’ll always have dong-gate to fondly reflect upon. I also heard Stephen Jackson got traded for the 103rd time, though the package did not include either Chris Gatling or Jimmy Jackson.

CRM — A lot of moving and shaking this week. I’m particularly a big fan of blowing up the Trail Blazers. Remember a month ago when people thought they were a good team? I swear that happened. It’s got to be somewhere on the Internet. Other than that, Stephen Jackson’s glorious return to San Antonio should make the Spurs more contentious than before. That word means the act of contending for a title, right?

4. The NFL’s Other Free Agents

CRM — The Buffalo Bills proved that sometimes you can throw money at people to make them not care where they live.

TSH — Poor Jason Campbell signed to be Jay Cutler’s backup in Chicago. Sadly, that sounds a lot more promising than “starting quarterback for the Oakland Raiders.” That pathetic franchise thrives on taking random, violent turns directly off the road. Additionally, and completely unrelated, Jeremy Shockey — also a free agent — tweeted about Amani Toomer peeing on his wife’s clothes.

5. Something Some Hot Chick Did, Probably

TSH — But of course. How could I forget.

CRM — I think I read about that.

Honorable Mention

FUCKING HATS!

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Last Week’s Query Poll Results
Either way, it’s Kate Upton.

Query of the Week…

Best Collegiate Playoff System?

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This Week in Retarded Pictures of Snooki

CRM — Hey, she’s looked worse.

TSH — If you enlarge the photo, you’ll notice Snooki has a steel plate protecting her left boob. Additionally, Snooki was referred to as “a hard-partying meatball.” Thank you, Fox News.