Each week Tim “Static X” Ryan and I will recap some of the bigger stories from the lively week in athletics. It’s a completely original idea that we started over two years ago. Every time this post appears, Carmelo Anthony ruins something. As always, please remember to be as irrational as possible when interacting with your fellow TBL commenters.

This week, we turn to the Miss Hawaiian Tropic Australia competition for inspiration. Feel free to make that your desktop. At work. Your boss won’t mind.

1. Peyton Manning

CRM — Peyton Manning should have died a Colt and been buried in the end zone at Lucas Oil Stadium where players could set flowers on his grave as a touchdown celebration. This shit just ain’t right.

TSH — Years ago I had always thought that Joe Montana, Ronnie Lott and Jerry Rice would finish their respective careers as members of the 49ers. Instead, they combined to play for approximately 29 other teams. Perhaps I was naive, but I learned my lesson. If not for an unfortunate injury, Peyton Manning could very well have become the rare exception in the NFL. Sadly, that won’t be happening. To the surprise of no one, he showed nothing but class at Wednesday’s press conference. He’s an easy guy to root for, I’ll certainly be pulling for the affable fella wherever he winds up.

2. College Basketball Stuff

TSH — St. Patty’s day combined with the start of March Madness is simply impossible to top in terms of delightful sports viewing. The Super Bowl is a great day, but this is a true marathon. It just can’t be topped. And many times it coincides with Spring Break, so if you’re in college, you’re currently grinning like the Cheshire Cat, and that makes me somewhat ill.

CRM — Time to start paying attention to college basketball. What a wonderful time of the year. All these drunken holidays. All these basketball games. How much strong drink do we need? Answer: All of the booze.

3. Point Shaving

TSH — Point shaving is so 80s. Frankly, it’s nice to see a return to such devious behavior. Plus, this is the first time we’ve had an excuse to discuss Auburn hoops since Charles Barkley and Chuck Person were shoving basketballs down the throats of unwilling opponents.

CRM — Scandal in college sports. Why I never!

4. Surprisingly, Chad Ochocinco

CRM — A lion peed in his face. He claimed he dated Kate Upton. He offered to hook a college football player up with awesome (and expensive) shoes. Ocho had a newsworthy week and never got into trouble once. How many professional athletes can pull that off?

TSH — I’m still in complete awe that I thought Ochocinco would be an impactful addition to the Patriots.

5. Pro Golfer Rachel Connor Arrested With Eddie George In The Car

TSH — Golf! I greatly enjoy that in order for women’s golf to force a conversation, said golfer must be intoxicated, operate an automobile while intoxicated, and operate an automobile while intoxicated with a Heisman Trophy winner. Those stars won’t align for another 60 years, though it would be nice if it happened more often.

CRM — Did we ever figure out why Eddie George was getting a ride after midnight from a pretty blonde who had been drinking? Were they going to pick up a copy of the book he wrote with his wife that was released last month. Don’t worry. She just happened to live near the Georges.

Honorable Mention
Mo Williams, Cavalier legend … TBL commenters: #toddcharske … a fucking hat!

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Last Week’s Query Poll Results
You all decided you’d rather nap in James Harden’s beard than sleeping on Crenshaw.

Query of the Week… Features a returning champion and was inspired by this post.

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This Week in Retarded Pictures of Snooki

CRM — Snooki is going to be somebody’s mom.

TSH — Snooki giving birth. Say it again, Snooki giving birth.