Meet Eric Wilbur of the Boston Globe. He is a columnist and a Boston-trolling columnist at that. After his (assumed) beloved Patriots lost to the Giants tonight, he trolled quickly and effectively. The column’s title is “Not so safety call: Blame Brady for this one.” It is everything you could ever hope for.

Here is my humble attempt to FJM Wilbur. I apologize to the geniuses behind Fire Joe Morgan. From The Boston Globe:

The legend is dead, the prince has turned back into a frog, and…well, use whatever other cliché you want.

Is “the legend is dead” a cliche?

A performance as bad as Tom Brady’s tonight in Super Bowl XLVI deserves a lead just as lame.

False. Nothing deserves a lead that lame.

Sorry, Tommy Boy, this one’s on you. Your hideous performance led to the Giants’ 21-17 Super Bowl title win. How embarrassing for your coach, your teammates, and your fans.

27-41, 276 yards, 2 TDs, 1 pick. Worst performance of all time. They were warming up Hoyer after the “shoulder injury” acted up. Should have just put him in the freakin’ game.

But especially for you, boy wonder. It was one thing when you led the game off with a safety, which surely put plenty of faith into the heart of Patriot Nation, but just when you have the game, just when you might be able to run off the clock, you huck the thing downfield.

Howah day-eh you not put faith into owe-ah hahts? Gawd damn you boy wondah! How day-eh you!

What happened to you?

You used to be so freakin’ awesome!

What an embarrassment for the Patriots organization and Bob Kraft.

Brady practically killed his wife!

So now the Giants have taken Lombardi from you twice, and you haven’t looked this bad in a playoff game since…well, two weeks ago against the Ravens.

The Patriots would have won if Joe Flacco was their quarterback. That is science!

Maybe that moment will actually hit you as you’re whittling down water slides in South America looking like Prince Valiant this spring.

The fact that Brady isn’t going to spend the off season in a living room with the shades drawn disgusts me too.

The Patriots haven’t won a title in seven years, but even worse, they’re now turning into the Buffalo Bills, with the Giants being their Cowboy daddy.

All of the things in that sentence are amazing. SEVEN YEARS WITHOUT A TITLE! ESPN might take away the TITLETOWN, USA moniker! How entitled can a fucking columnist be?

That’s not easy to swallow in a region where New York is regarded as highly as the menu at Beacon Hill Pub

This is a reference that townies will understand. Ben Affleck is nodding quietly.

But, there you are, Tom. That’s what you have become. Your legacy has been stamped, but you’re turning your Joe Montana status into one of Jim Kelly.

Boom. After winning THREE Super Bowls in New England and becoming a deity, he is now becoming Jim Kelly. Which, considering Kelly is a Hall of Fame quarterback, must be a compliment… wait what!? Kelly lost some Super Bowls? Never mind! Tom Brady will never win the big one! He is a loser!

But, hey what you worry? There’s that new mansion in the “Names” pages to deal with.

He has a new house, but he probably should have been nursing Gronk’s ankle to health.

Yes, there were plenty of dropped passes to go around. Granted.

Oh. So we’re going to blame someone besides Brady. What with the missed passes and such. That’s generous.

But when you begin the game with such a boneheaded play, then proceed to make random mistakes, sorry, Tom, game is on you.

Never mind! Forget the drops! Those were on Brady too! The championships were the flukes!

Welker was the closest thing to Asante, and the eeriness compared to the Tyree play will be discussed for decades to come.

We’re discussing it hours later so this discussion will obviously live on at Cheers and the Beacon Hill Pub!

Tom, it’s not all your fault, but you’re the poster boy

The title of this column confuses me.

you had opportunities, and you failed to make them. Add to that your blunders, and it all becomes about you. You blew this Super Bowl. You denied your coach No. 4. You let down your teammates.

There you have it. Brady didn’t make his opportunities. You blew it. Pathetic. Tom Brady sucks. Trade that bum.

Eli and Peyton now have as many rings as you combined over the past five years. You haven’t sniffed one in seven. How’s that hit you?

First of all – Tom Brady has sniffed plenty in seven. As for combining rings that’s not fair. Watch: “Ronde and Tiki have won more rings combined than Dan Marino in the last fifty years.” Not fair.

Maybe it doesn’t hit you as hard anymore, and maybe that’s the problem.

You heard it here first – Tom Brady doesn’t fucking care about football. He obviously only comes for the super fun photo shoots.

The safety killed the Patriots. Killed them.

And there’s nobody to blame but Tom Brady.

I mean, the line could have held the blocks a little longer and a reciever could have gotten open on his initial route, but seriously… Fuck Tom Brady.

However hard it might be to swallow, the glory days are gone. Even Montana handed off to Mallett at some point, right?

Is this guy suggesting that Tom Brady relinquish the Patriots starting job to Ryan Mallett? Honest question. Otherwise, I don’t get the reference. I’ll end this by pointing out that Tom Brady has won three freaking Super Bowls. He’s been the Super Bowl MVP twice. TWICE! Before Tom Brady was the Patriots quarterback they won zero (0) championships. Yet here we find a Boston columnist blasting New England’s GOAT. It’s sad. And Wilbur will obviously become much more famous than he was before. I’m taking notes. Tune in tomorrow to hear how many more titles the Giants would win if Eli was Tiki Barber.

[Boston Globe, Getty, #trollhard]