As I look at the standings, it seems that most teams are currently out of playoff contention. With 5 games remaining, I would like to guarantee that the following teams do not make the playoffs: Indianapolis Colts.

You are welcome. You can take that to your local pub this Sunday. Tell everyone how the season is going to shake out. “The Colts are out of it,” you’ll say. “They just couldn’t overcome the loss of Peyton Manning,” you’ll continue. “Even if Manning came back today, the Colts wouldn’t pull it if off,” you’ll start to annoy people. “Shut up,” they’ll say. “I don’t know you. Go away,” they’ll shout.

Song of the Week

A Cleveland-based metal band that features lawyers or something. (h/t Mike)

Pick’emsplosion
Last week: CRM (1-2, with 13 hangovers) — Lisk (5-9-2)
Overall: CRM (70-79-9) — Lisk (90-73-12)

Tennessee (+3) @ Buffalo
Lisk – I look forward to Stevie Johnson’s “make it rain” dance after he scores on Adam “Pacman” Jones. (Bills -3)

CRM – I like quote names too. Ryan “Great Contract” Fitzpatrick. (Bills -3)

Kansas City (+7) @ Chicago
Lisk – The winner is the one who’s quarterback completes more passes to his own team than the opponent. (Chiefs +7)

CRM – KC games have been blocked on the cable box at the Lisk house. They are considered unfit for children. (Bears -7)

Cincinnati (+7) @ Pittsburgh
Lisk – I find myself often sitting around singing “Andy Dalton” to the tune of Amadeus. (Bengals +7)

CRM – Gingers are as scary as Volfy’s father. (Bengals)

New York Jets (-3) @ Washington
Lisk- Orakpoed doesn’t work on Words with Friends. (Redskins +3)

CRM – You will not see me at the pancake brunch tomorrow. (Jets)

Atlanta (-3) @ Houston
Lisk – The Texans are a home underdog? I know they don’t have a starting quarterback, but this one kind of surprised me. Last time Atlanta played a really good team down to their third QB, last year at Pittsburgh. (Texans +3)

CRM – The Falcons aren’t great. (Texans +3)

Carolina (+3) @ Tampa Bay
Lisk – The Panthers need this win to get to 5 wins on the year, and the running backs and Newton on scrambles should have plenty of chances to make plays. (Panthers +3)

CRM – And what happens when they get 5 wins? They get a 6th free? (Bucs)

Denver (+1.5) @ Minnesota
Lisk – Christian Ponder will win this game on a last second drive. It is written, so shall it be done. (Vikings -1.5)

CRM – Tebow beats better teams. He’s destined to get shelled. Right? Right? Make it stop. (Broncos)

Indianapolis (+21) @ New England
Lisk – To watch or not to watch, that is the question. (Colts +21)

CRM – Twenty-one is a lot of points, no? I mean, they did give up 892 points against the Saints, but still. (Pats)

Baltimore (-7) @ Cleveland
Lisk – Well, let’s see, the Ravens have lost at the Titans, Seahawks, and Jaguars, teams with a combined 14 wins. (Browns +7)

CRM – Joe Flacco is a comedic genius. (Troy Polamalu swoops in and makes pick: Browns)

St. Louis (+14) @ San Francisco
Lisk – The 49ers clinch the NFC West with a win in this one, so the pressure is on. Not really. (Rams +14)

CRM – Alex Smith is a Godless man’s righty Tim Tebow. Discuss. (Niners)

Dallas (-4.5) @ Arizona
Lisk – Emmitt Smith must be confected by this matchup. (Cowboys -4.5)

CRM – Hey, I’m confected here too. (Cowboys)

Oakland (+3) @ Miami
Lisk – Carson Palmer will throw a ball through a sea of hands to win it. (Raiders +3)

CRM – Spencer, you were right. Carson Palmer was the best possible fit for the Raiders. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t suck, but he has worked out as well as anyone could have hoped in this situation. (Dolphins)

Green Bay (-7.5) @ New York Giants
Lisk – Here’s the point where I tell you that someone would be an idiot to pick the Giants. (Giants +7.5)

CRM – The Giants are great at playing to the level of their opponent. (Packers)

Detroit (+9) @ New Orleans
Lisk- New Orleans has been incredible in primetime at the Super Dome. So incredible that only a bigger idiot than someone who picked the Giants would go against them. (Lions +9)

CRM – Odds that Suh throws a half-full beer on the field following a Saints touchdown? (Saints)

San Diego (-3) @ Jacksonville
Lisk- The world has been robbed of the Norv Turner versus Jack Del Rio showdown. Not sure what the Chargers are waiting for. (Jaguars +3)

CRM – [Makes joke about flex schedule] (Chargers)