The San Francisco Giants split a four game series with the Astros over the weekend, which is pathetic in its own right and deserving of plenty of mockery, especially when you consider Houston is such a gimme on the road at a ridiculously sad 21-48. Of great concern for the defending champs in addition to wilted toothpick bats is their putrid bullpen. Two of their last three losses have come thanks to the absence of Brian Wilson and the unsettling presence of Ramon Ramirez. In his last four innings of contribution, Ramirez has allowed five hits and three runs. For a team struggling mightily to score, late innings meltdowns from relievers are about as welcome as an El Guapo sex tape. The Giants have amazingly fallen four games back of Arizona, however they do face the D-Backs six more times in the final month of the season.

Nonetheless, panic remains apparent as the Giants have not ruled out the return of Barry Zito. In order to make room on the 40-man roster for pitcher Eric Surkamp, they opted to instead designate Clayton Tanner for assignment in the hopes that the injured Zito can return within the next couple of weeks to contribute… something. Additionally and unfortunately, there is still no timetable for Brian Wilson’s return. To summarize, the sky isn’t falling in San Francisco just yet, but it’s definitely raining bowling balls.

Rays 12, Blue Jays 0 — David Price set a franchise record by striking out 14 Blue Jays, all of which presumably failed to steal signs. The first seven outs Price recorded were strikeouts. It’s too bad the Rays play in the AL East, they are too good of a team to have absolutely no part in the playoff race. They have a better winning percentage than the Tigers, but they’re just playing for pride the rest of the way. So whats up with Toronto? Was the “man in white” hungover? And what’s going on with Joey Bats? He went 0-for-4 with three strikeouts.

Royals 2, Indians 1 — Bruce Chen went 7 2-3 innings and allowed a run on five hits. When Mr. Chen and the Royals are the ones preventing you from gaining ground in a division race, it’s time to look in the mirror and give yourself the finger. Jim Thome pinch-hit in the eighth inning and struck out swinging. Making trades based on emotion are often the ones that never work out. Hopefully everyone in Cleveland has learned a valuable life lesson from this.

Twins 11, Tigers 4 — Brad Penny sports one of the more improbable, unexpected boink resumes in all of baseball, which may or may not influence his inspiration to pitch well. Seven runs in five innings is probably not what Leyland was looking for yesterday. Oh well, I’m sure he was more than happy to go home and play the ass bongos on his fiancee’s booty. Then again you can’t exactly complain when your team has won 8 of 10. Detroit’s lead over the White Sox remains at six games.

Brewers 3, Cubs 2 — Zack Greinke gave up one run over 7 2-3 innings, thus increasing my ever-growing adoration for this Brewers team. They’re going to be fun in October. With the exception of Greinke’s recent flop against the Pirates, he’s given up two runs or less in 9 of his last 10 outings. He smells October and whatever that welcoming scent is, it certainly doesn’t smell like Kansas City.

O’s 2, Yanks 0; Yanks 8, O’s 3 — The Yankees wasted a wonderful start from Bloat-olo Colon (7.2 IP, 2 ER) in Game 1, but not to be outshone was O’s starter Zach Britton. The rookie shutout the Yanks for seven innings, allowing just four hits. Kevin Gregg worked the ninth and miraculously only served up one hit. Ivan Nova started the second game so it was a forgone conclusion that the Yankees would score at least eight runs, and they did. Curtis Granderson went 3-for-5 with two home runs. His beefy numbers continue to ride the wave of absurdity.

D-Backs 6, Padres 1 — I have no doubt in my mind that Ian Kennedy often looks at the NL and softly whispers, “you complete me.” Yesterday he held the listless Padres to six hits and one run over seven innings. Hooray. Wake me when he does this against the Phillies.

Rangers 9, Angels 5 — Pitching Jered Weaver on three days rest? Well that appears to have worked out well. The Rangers lead is back to three games. These two don’t see each other again until the final three games of the season in Anaheim.

Reds 5, Nats 4, 14 innings — I feel obliged to mention this game because it lasted 14 innings, so here we go: Joey Votto won it on a walkoff solo shot, his second home run of the game. The. End. Does everyone realize Jayson Werth is hitting .231 with 16 homers, 49 RBI and sports an OPS of .718? Disastrous wouldn’t come to close to accurately summarizing his performance this season. To put it in perspective, even Kansas City’s Alex Gordon has run circles around Werth’s numbers. For shame, Edge, for shame.

Were you born a Cardinals fan? This guy was:

[Photo via Getty]