This is either the meanest usher of all time or one of the funniest. The video unfortunately cuts off before we’re able to learn of his true intentions, but I’m hoping it was his last day on the job and that he did indeed take the ball and place it on ebay for a heated bidding war. If it was just a joke, he sold it convincingly enough to crush that young boy’s dreams in an instant.

D-Backs 6, Astros 3 — The Arizona Diamondbacks have seized control of first place. Justin Upton went 3-for-4 with a double, a run scored and a stolen base. The dude turns just 24 at the end of the month. B.J. must be seething with jealousy.

Pirates 9, Giants 2 — After losing 10 straight games including sweeps at the hands of the pathetic Cubs and the last place Padres, the Pirates somehow managed to take two of three in San Francisco. Does actual hope exist at 10.5 games out of first place and zero chance at the wildcard? Not really.

Reds 3, Rockies 2 — Kevin Millwood is a member of the Colorado Rockies. I was not aware of this engaging fact until I saw him on the mound last night looking as rotund as Bartolo Colon. He allowed three home runs including back-to-back shots from Renteria and Bruce. The Rockies are certainly on their way.

Braves 6, Marlins 2 — Dan Uggla’s extended his hitting streak to 31 games which is the longest in the majors this season, so I suppose we can talk about it now. His average was .173 when the streak began but has climbed all the way up to the not even close to respectable average of .224. Jack McKeon had a great quote. He could have been talking about any number of things here: “This is the big leagues, boys. You want to stay in the big leagues, you have to get tough. You just can’t let yourself get hammered. You got to do something about it. How bad do you want it?” Seriously, how do you want it?

Brewers 5, Cards 1 – The Brew Crew are winners of 13 of their last 14 games. Tony La Russa was given the boot in this one, but his argument was as legitimate as his hair. What a terrible call. The Cards are now five games out of first. The dream is fading rapidly.

Phils 9, Dodgers 8 — If you cut this game into thirds, the Dodgers would have won twice. Unfortunately for them, nine innings count as one game and blowing a 6-0 lead counts as an embarrassment. Hunter Pence hit a two-run shot. In 12 games with the Phillies, he’s only gone hitless once and appears to be happier than Teddy Ruxpin.

Indians 10, Tigers 3 — Ubaldo went eight and allowed three in his Indians debut at The Jake. Yes, it’s still The Jake to me and Chief Wahoo.

Yankes 9, Angels 3 – Torii Hunter on the great Ivan Nova: “He has really good stuff. The Yankees really have something special with him.”

[Vid via commenter Millhouse Starkweather]