Each week Stephen Van Douglaspants and I will recap some of the bigger stories from the lively week in athletics. It’s a completely original idea that we started over 18 months ago. Every time this post appears, David Fisher sings in an impressively elegant manner. As always, please remember to be as irrational as possible when interacting with your fellow TBL commenters.

Because we happen to be generous souls, here is Rihanna in a bikini. I fully expect this one to be split right down the middle.

1. The Eagles
TSH — The Eagles will be the needle moving team this season and we have no say in the matter. They are ESPN’s darlings and Las Vegas is already aroused. I’m not sure what’s more annoying, the fact “superteam” has become a term regularly used in sportswriting and discussion, or the whole “taking my talents to …” expression. They are incessantly awful and LeBron is responsible for both. So perfectly fitting.

CRM — Jesus… man…

2. Tiger’s Back!
TSH — We can finally watch golf again now that the grand champ has returned. His presence was missed, but not quite as dearly as his escapades that he’s attempted to put in the rearview mirror. No one enjoyed that period of time more than those thoughtful souls at the New York Post.

CRM — Don’t call it a comeback. Unless you want to count how he hasn’t won a tournament in like 100 years and he has been injured most of this year. God our ignorance is staggering.

3. A-Rod & Poker
 TSH — We were long overdue for off-the-field drama centered around A-Rod, but is this really that big of a deal? If he’s playing cash games of poker at someone’s house, who cares? Bird Selig’s unreasonably large ego often makes for entertaining personal agendas.

CRM — This one is pretty personal to me. I think we should all be allowed to gamble and play cards whenever we want. I’ve never done coke and played cards or had any of fist fights break out between my friends, but I have seen some amusing blowups at casinos and love nothing more than a good “**** you U m*******in ********* I hope u fukn di!” in a FullTilt chat window. 

4. Randy Moss Retires
TSH — One of the greatest of all time can’t be done yet, can he? I’m not convinced it’s over for Randy. Last year was a disaster in just about every conceivable way, so I’m sure it was a bit deflating for him, but the guy can still play. Come on Randy, turn this season into a nonstop circus and sign with the Cowboys, Jets or Eagles.

CRM — Randy Moss was my favorite player when he was with the Vikings. Freak was the perfect nickname for him. Of all the wideouts I’ve been lucky enough to watch, he is right up there with Jerry Rice. He’s probably not better than Rice, but he’s probably the most athletically gifted player to ever catch passes. 

5. Baseball, and the Trade Deadline
TSH — Hunter Pence and Carlos Beltran have both been awesome in their new surroundings after experiencing daily misery for a good chunk of time. Good for them. More importantly, the wildly popular Florida Marlins, the team Stephen Douglas embarrassingly cheers for, have recovered from their 1-19 debacle of a June and now stand at a perfectly average record just shy of .500.

CRM — Baseball, eh? The Marlins are challenging for 3rd place in the NL East, so that’s good. Imagine if they took June out of the equation! The Astros are tanking which I didn’t know you could do in baseball. The Pirates have come back to Earth. Oh, and Red Sox Yankees Pageviews.

Honorable Mention
MTV turned 30, yay … a fucking hat!

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Last Week’s Query Poll Results:
Soccer crushed the WWE. (101-46)

Query of the Week: Keyboard Cat or Toonces The Driving Cat

  • Toonces (74%, 87 Votes)
  • Keyboard Cat (26%, 30 Votes)

Total Voters: 117

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This week, we’re going to get the non-commenters involved. So which is it, Toonces the Driving Cat or Keyboard Cat?

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This Week in Retarded Pictures of Snooki

TSH — If Snooki were strolling through the Ewok Village, would any of them even notice? Also, this is the man who fathered Snooki.

CRM — Fucking clown shoes.

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Lighters

[Photos via Getty]