I got a hold of two screening passes to Green Lantern last night so my roommate and I attended with the lowest of low expectations. We were treated to 100 minutes of expository dialogue and pointless 3D.

Ryan Reynolds, Blake Lively and Peter Sarsgaard (Always read Sarsgaard like a pirate would) were friends who grew up together and then they went their separate ways. Ryan Reynolds became a pilot and an uncle who gets paid not to be afraid. Blake Lively became a sexy pilot/private contractor/business woman/daughter of a Senator or something. Sarsgaard became a professor-slash-alien scientist.

So, to recap, Ryan Reynolds is a cocky pilot and Blake Lively is attractive. They had sex once when they started flying after they danced in a bar with a poster of Ryan Reynolds’ dead father.

Now, let me tell you about the Green Lantern because, this was the first I was learning about him myself. There is more than 1 Green Lantern. There are over a thousand of them. Each one protects a bunch of universes. Ryan Reynolds became a Green Lantern after an alien crashed on earth an a green ring chose him to take over for the dying alien.

Then Reynolds goes to the center of the universe(s?) for his Green Lantern orientation. Cliches ensue as expository dialogue turns into a training montage and then the dead alien’s BFF tells Ryan Reynolds he doesn’t like him much because he’ll never be half the lantern his friend was. Ugh.

Also, it should be noted that the Green Lantern’s power is WILL POWER. And Green Lanterns fight fear and evil. Honestly, I wish there was something to spoil in this movie, but there isn’t. Everything you expect to happen after the first 10 minutes actually happens.

Green Lantern was boring and really quite pointless. I’m guessing it was an excuse to get Blake Lively in tight dresses which she wears throughout the film. Of course, she wears tight dresses every day, so I’m not sure why a movie had to be made out of it.

Let’s talk about the 3D. Can we talk about 3D? What is the point of 3D? Except for the very beginning when they show you that the movie is in 3D by having a cartoon dog bark at an orb of some kind, there’s no point. I can’t image paying an extra 4 dollars to see a 3D movie that doesn’t do anything in 3D. You know what provides depth perception? MY EYES!

The one positive of the glasses is that my roommate told me I looked like John Salley in Bad Boys II. I’m not entirely certain that was a positive.

What’s even more disappointing is that the movie wasn’t bad enough to be funny. It was just kind of boring. If we’re lucky, Green Lantern 2 will be much worse.

[Image via Getty]