Each and every week, Stephen Douglas and I will recap some of the bigger stories from… the, uh… week. We’ve been very good about putting lots of strategery (5 to 7 eye squints) and effort into this avalanche of a feature. Every time we post, “A Winner Is You” will appear on your screen. As always, please remember to read your comment in Truman Capote voice before hitting the ‘submit’ button.

1. John Steigerwald
TSH — John Steigerwald wrote a very unfortunate column. He’s not sorry but he’s also sorry. Nonetheless, for one day, John Steigerwald moved the needle.

CRM — What a clown.

2. NBA Playoffs

TSH — The prospect of another Lakers-Celtics NBA Finals is enough to make me want to suplex myself into a pile of Creeds CDs, but I believe we’ll have a new representative from the East this year. As for the West, no, I am not betting against Kobe Bean Bryant and really hope we’re treated to at least one or two “Kobe’s Pissed Off” moments.

CRM — I really don’t think we have to worry about the Celtics. Without Perkins in the middle, KG can’t be as big of an asshole as he needs to be for the Celtics to win. As for Kobe, he’s always pissed off. Me? I’m just going to miss Blake Griffin.

3. Kobe’s Gay Slur
TSH — Being fined $100,000 means nothing to Kobe’s wallet, but there’s no question the hefty amount pissed him off. I doubt anyone in the NBA appreciates David Stern providing Mamba with extra motivation. Ring number six is imminent.

CRM — The fine is insane. Kobe should have pushed for a court date.

4. Josh Hamilton’s Broken Arm
TSH — Josh has apologized for throwing his third base coach under the Undertaker’s hearse and taken ownership of his injury. His apology marks the 673rd week in which a professional athlete has publicly been sorry.

CRM — I still think the real problem is that dumbass diving. Especially with a giant cross hanging around his neck. Imagine if that thing had plunged into his chest. Honestly, that’s the injury I’m waiting for. 

5. Tom Brady Weeps
TSH — Many athletes take a lot of heat for being too guarded, so naturally as soon as a typically private player lets his guard down, he gets made fun of incessantly. Make up your mind, dipshits.

CRM — I really shouldn’t call Brady a bundle of sticks, but come on, man. Maybe if you didn’t look like such a middling prospect the Raiders could have picked you a few rounds earlier and your career could have turned to shit. He should smile 24/7 and thank Belichick every day for the blessings bestowed upon him. Crying. Give me a break.

6. NHL Playoffs
CRM — So close hockey fans. Maybe next week. For now, see how wrong (or right) Matthew Barnaby was in our NHL Preview.
TSH — Never heard of him.

Honorable Mention
Manny Ramiroids … Charlie Villanueva is insane … Barry Bonds … National Cleavage Day … a fucking hat!

***

Query of the Week
Tetris or Breakout?

***

This Week in Retarded Pictures of Snooki
TSH — Snooki’s a Mets fan. It’s a wonderfully awful match.

CRM — Be honest, Mets fans, who would you rather have out there in the 8th? Snooki or Izzy?

***

Alwayz Into Somethin’

[Photos via Getty]