Each and every week, Stephen Douglas and I will recap some of the bigger stories from… the, uh… week. We’ve been very good about putting lots of brainpower (5 to 7 eye squints) and effort into this avalanche of a feature. Every time we post, “A Winner Is You” will appear on your screen. As always, please remember to read your comment aloud in an overly dramatic tone before hitting the ‘submit’ button.

1. Reggie Bush’s New Chick, Claudia Sampedro
TSH — Why is Claudia Sampedro No. 1? Have you seen her ass? Incredible accomplishment by Reggie Bush. A Google search of Miss Sampedro is an inspiring experience. Trust me, I would not steer you wrong.

CRM — Wow.

2. Tony La Russa Already Losing It
TSH — If this is La Russa’s temperament in April, I’m excited to see what July brings when the Cardinals are dueling with the Astros for last place and the Pujols-leaving-town talk continues to snowball. It’s been one giant clusterfuck ever since they attended that fateful Glenn Beck rally.

CRM — Who cares about the Cardinals? The Red Sox are 0-6. If only something awful would happen to the Yankees then this would be the best baseball season of all time. OF ALL TIME.

3. LeBron’s Mom
TSH — Have LeBron’s mom, Iverson’s mom, and Marbury’s mom ever partied together? This needs to happen. A summer house together at the Jersey shore would be ideal.

CRM — She has such a great track record of making good decisions that this came as a complete shock to me.

4. UConn, National Champions
TSH — They won the championship on Monday night so we’re obligated to include it, but I would rather live in Pittsburgh than ever see a replay of that game. However, I will always be ‘team tournament’ simply because the assorted fun surrounding the first two days is irreplaceable.

CRM — Sure, they won a few basketball games. All that really matters is that they were voted #1. Also, if Brandon Davies hadn’t had sex, BYU might have won this lottery of a tournament. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m working on securing season tickets for the Utah Jazz.

5. The Masters!

TSH — This event attracts a certain crowd. Reminds me of Seinfeld’s line of “Ahh, Wall Street, bulls, bears, people from Connecticut.” Having said that, I do enjoy this one far more than any of the other majors, and yes, I am rooting for the guy on the cover of Nintendo Golf.

CRM — Rory McIlroy is the man. And at such a young age. I don’t know if I’ve ever actually watched him golf, but these are the types of things I keep hearing.

Honorable Mention
It’s impressive how stupid people are … the Norm MacDonald interview is awesome … Kyrie Irving leaving Duke … A fucking hat!

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Query of the Week
Green Jacket or Green Tongue?

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This Week in Retarded Pictures of Snooki
TSH — With this very full look, she could easily pass for one of King Roland’s daughters.

CRM — She’s a big time successful wrestler now. What would you wrestling geeks pay to see Snooki and Hernia in a steel cage match?

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From “The Blueprint” and Somewhat Overlooked

[Photos via Getty]