Each and every week, Stephen Douglas and I will recap some of the bigger stories from… the, uh… week. We’ve been very good about putting lots of brainpower (5 to 7 eye squints) and effort (5 to 7 spell checks) into this avalanche of a feature. Every time we post, Andre the Giant sweats profusely. As always, please remember to put on your helmet before typing in the comment box.

1. Opening Day!

TSH — If there’s one song that could triumphantly play as I walk down the street on opening day, there’s no question what that song would be.

CRM — When baseball is over in 7 months, I’m really going to miss it.

2. Butler, VCU, March Madness
TSH — Butler coach Brad Stevens looks very young again this year. Discuss. On a related note, my bracket looks like it spent a long night inside Lohan’s vagina.

CRM — I harbor a lot of anger towards the people who “successfully” picked the correct Final Four. Collect your lottery winnings and kindly go away.

3. Dominique Attacked by Ex-NBA Ref
TSH — I’m honestly stunned that the names in this story weren’t Jake O’Donnell and Clyde Drexler.

CRM — I bet that guy makes a mean pair of wind pants though.

4. Dez Bryant
TSH — Since when does anyone in Dallas care about what the Cowboys do off the field? Everyone remembers the “White House,” correct? Baggy pants, a couple lawsuits and lots of jewelry is amateur hour and quite frankly, disappointing.

CRM — Dez Bryant was looking like a fool with his pants on the ground. How’s that for topical humor?

5. Paying College Athletes
TSH — They should only pay one college athlete. Deciding who gets paid will be determined in a 500-man ladder match, with Ted DiBiase’s infamous steel briefcase dangling a few feet above it. Seems fair.

CRM — Only athletes that generate revenue should be paid. I’m sorry that the track and field kids might have to rely on mommy and daddy while they’re in school, but that’s their own fault for not playing a sport in college.

Honorable Mention
A fucking hat! … more hats!

Oops, almost forgot, there’s also this:

(thanks Rex)

CRM — So, Albert Pujols thinks I smell nice?

TSH — Do you not?

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Query of the Week
Where the Buffalo Roam or Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas?

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This Week in Retarded Pictures of Snooki
TSH — How many wrestlers will have zamboni’d Snooki by the time WrestleMania airs on Sunday?

CRM — Snooki commands quite a fee.

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This is incredible…

[Photos via Getty]