Super Bowl commercials once rivaled the game for entertainment. Now, they’ve become a dizzying kaleidoscope of witless terror. We’ve passed through the massive star, the red supergiant and the supernova stage into a bizarre black hole of non-sequiturs that leaves most unamused, unenthused and no more likely to buy things.  We only find them funny because we are conditioned to.  The only redeeming aspects for most of this year’s crop of commercials? The Black Eyed Peas weren’t involved and they provided relief from Joe Buck’s monotone.


This was a well-done advertisement for Volkswagen. It’s cute, memorable and sells the product. Darth Vader is a universal pop culture reference. The inefficacy of the human condition is a universal struggle. It’s funny without resorting to Gallagher-style antics. It solves two pressing concerns for perspective car buyers, how much does this cost and what does it do that should rouse further interest.

This Doritos commercial got rave reviews. America can’t get enough blatantly obvious physical comedy. Would’ve loved to have been in the meeting room where someone storyboarded and pitched this.  Commercial Dude: “Here’s the twist, guys.  Instead of the dog crashing into the window and falling, he knocks the door out of the frame and onto the guy taunting him.  And he takes his Doritos! ” Frito-Lay Execs: “…….Magnificent.” [Update: Okay, I probably shouldn't have made fun of amateurs, but still this is schlocky.]

Pepsi opted for the lowest common denominator route. We had girl getting hit in the face with a Pepsi can followed by douchy guy getting hit in the head and the junk with a Pepsi can. Then there was this commercial. It’s terribly written. The horribly clichéd and borderline misogynist gender roles aren’t funny. Why do they hear each other’s thoughts? Why do they only start hearing each other’s thoughts midway through the commercial? Why doesn’t he just order another Pepsi Max? Who orders a softdrink on a date? What restaurant serves a softdrink in a can? Stupid.

Kim Kardashian is hot, because of genetics, carefully chosen clothing and an unconscionable amount of makeup. It’s nothing to do with working out. Every shot from the boob-shelf down isn’t even her body. Most men don’t realize that, but you’re not marketing to men. We can’t buy the product. Those shoes are the ultimate backhanded gift. Even if you were marketing to men, an allusion to Kim Kardashian having sex is redundant. She’s famous because she has a sex tape. Men can pull that up in less time than it takes the commercial to play out and listening to her speak won’t ruin it.  Yes, she’s stupid enough to be outraged about the nipple and not realize the whole W photo-shoot was a caustic joke at her expense.

Someone at GoDaddy has a thing for short brunettes.  Does Danica Patrick do anything else? A hairdo and a pound of makeup can make anyone not look like a troll.  I’ll give them credit for dolling up Jillian Michaels, but she still scares me and makes me long for the calm confidence-building of gay David Beckham.

This commercial appealed, to people from Detroit. Eminem, Fox Theatre, assembly line artwork, Methane emanating from the sewers. Yes, give me more. The trouble is it has zero relevance for anyone outside Detroit, and those are the people who aren’t buying American cars. Money is tight. Gas is expensive. Sell product quality.  Don’t use lame bullshit appeals to buy American, especially when European and Japanese car companies are the ones investing in the United States, building plants here and creating jobs rather than cutting and exporting them.