Last season – They started 0-4, but finished 8-8. Steve Slaton had a promising rookie campaign and Mario Williams came into his own. Unfortunately, this is all anyone remembers from the ’08 Texans.

Quarterbacks - Matt Schaub is the oft-injured starter. He missed 5 games in each of the last 2 seasons. His backups are the boundry-disrespecting Dan Orlovsky and The Sex Cannon, Rex Grossman. This is easily the most talented and dangerous group of QB’s West of Philadelphia.

Cheerleaders – They have them.

Offense – Andre Johnson is really really really really good. Steve Slaton might also have multiple reallys in his description at some point. Kevin Walter is the scrappy #2 receiver. (Racist?) They also have Pro Bowler Owen Daniels at TE. Daniels is more “good” than “scrappy” because he plays Tight End. They’re a talented bunch. If the offensive line puts it together and protects their glass quarterback, they’re going to be dangerous instead of just fun to watch.

Beer – The Texans are there for their fans – To get drunk, at least. The organization shrunk the cup size of their (always a bad move) and kept the prices the same this preseason. The fans weren’t happy and voiced their opinions. The Texans listened and went back to the bigger cups.

Defense - Mario Williams continues his evolution as he posted 14 sacks last season. Dude’s a monster. Brian Cushing was the first round pick out of USC and he’s won a starting job at outside linebacker. Daunte Robinson should be fully recovered from a knee injury from a couple years back. He and LB Demeco Ryans are both solid players. Don’t let all this positive talk confuse you though – this defense is full of busts and hackfrauds.

/glares at Amobi Okoye

Location – It’s in Texas. (I think the star means it’s part of Dallas.)

Kicker – Kris Brown kicks the ball like it was mouthing off to him from the passenger seat.

David Anderson likes Conan -

Prediction – Could Houston be the super sleeper that makes the leap this season!? They’re young and talented. With a healthy Matt Schaub, they have a top-tier offense. (Though I would kill to see Rex Grossman unleash the dragon with this offense.) Combine the O with an improved (but still fraudy!) defense and we could be looking at a playoff team.

Probably not though. The AFC South is tough, brother. I see 9 wins and an exclusion from the playoffs in their future. Don’t worry though Texans’ fans your time is coming. Someday.

[h/t video, h/t beer]

NFC East: 2009 Dallas Cowboys Preview | 2009 Philadelphia Eagles Preview | 2009 New York Giants Preview | 2009 Washington Redskins Preview

NFC North: 2009 Chicago Bears Preview | 2009 Detroit Lions Preview | 2009 Minnesota Vikings Preview | 2009 Green Bay Packers Preview

NFL South: 2009 Tampa Bay Bucs Preview | 2009 Atlanta Falcons Preview | 2009 New Orleans Saints Preview | 2009 Carolina Panthers Preview

NFL West: 2009 San Francisco 49ers Preview | 2009 St. Louis Rams Preview | 2009 Arizona Cardinals Preview | 2009 Seattle Seahawks Preview

AFC East: 2009 New England Patriots Preview | 2009 New York Jets Preview | 2009 Buffalo Bills Preview | 2009 Miami Dolphins Preview

AFC North: 2009 Pittsburgh Steelers Preview | 2009 Baltimore Ravens Preview | 2009 Cleveland Browns Preview | 2009 Cincinnati Bengals Preview

AFC South: 2009 Tennessee Titans Preview | 2009 Indianapolis Colts Preview | 2009 Jacksonville Jaguars Preview