Our second livechat is here. Solid batch of submissions yesterday, folks. We’re on email, IM (thebiglead) and gchat to anyone who would like to submit questions. If you want to submit questions in the comments, feel free as well. For reasons that remain unknown, this might be one of the funniest paragraph in the last decade of sportswriting (because we’ve read everything!): “The sport is volleyball. Whether indoor or outdoor, courtside or beachside, day or night, men or women, network or cable, the announcers are Chris Marlowe and Paul Sunderland. Every spike. Every dig. Every time. When Karch Kiraly brushes his teeth, Chris Marlowe spits out the Ultra Brite.”

Questions and answers after the jump.

Q: Got any good Mike Lupica stories?

CHAD: Actually, I had dinner once with Lupica and Kornheiser, in the early 1990s. Lupica was responsible for about 80 percent of the conversation and Kornheiser was good for the other 20 percent. I got in about 25 words all night (and that included my dinner order and asking Mike once to pass the salt).

Q: Why does everyone find you so funny?

CHAD: Some people find me funny. The others fire me.

Q: Exactly when will all the ex-wife jokes stop?

CHAD: Trust me, I want them to stop. The thing is: I believe in the institution of marriage; I’m just not very good at it.

Q: When asked if you’d come to dinner with me, Larry David and Tony Kornheiser, you said on my show that Tony was dead to you. Tony said on my show two weeks later that he loves Norman Chad and thinks he’s one of the two funniest humor columnists in the country (Dave Barry being the other). Do you believe Tony, and should I get the dinner reservation for four ready?

CHAD: Go right ahead, if you insist. Just book us a table at Louis’ Italian Restaurant in the Bronx and I guarantee you somebody’s gonna get whacked.

Q: What’s your favorite dish to cook for Phil Hellmuth?

CHAD: Steamed fish.

Q: Is poker a sport?

CHAD: It’s nine guys sitting around throwing chips into the middle of a table. If that’s a sport, ketchup is a vegetable. It’s a GREAT GAME, however, involving a lot of mathematical skills, people skills and psychological skills, plus endless mental and physical discipline. I wouldn’t recommend it to anybody as a professional pursuit – Karl Wallenda had a better chance on the high wire than most people do of making a living playing poker.

Q: Where does your mustache rank on the All-Time Mustache List? Are you before or after Tom Selleck?

CHAD: My mustache is stuck in the late 1970s; I just can’t compete with the young kids today.

Q: What overpriced regional cheap beer are you drinking now?

CHAD: Pabst Blue Ribbon is not overpriced. When I run out of PBR and find a ten-dollar bill in the sofa cushions, I go out and get some Yuengling.

Q: I haven’t watched more than 15 minutes of Sports Center in about 5 years. As a “TV Sports Critic” (can I get that gig when you retire?), how much worse do you find Sports Center now versus 10 years ago when it was must see TV?

CHAD: To be honest, I’ve never watched “SportsCenter.€ “NBC Nightly News” covers the world in 30 minutes, so I have a hard time understanding how it takes 60 minutes or more to follow the latest sports news. “SportsCenter” might do a terrific job, but how can I justify a greater time commitment to a highlights show than, say, to my second marriage? I’ve got to draw the line somewhere.

Q: How do you feel about costing Al Gore the election in 2000?

CHAD: Not only did I hang Al Gore out to dry in Florida in 2000, I actually voted for Ralph Nader. Every time I hear W make a policy speech, I crawl into a corner, pop open a Pabst Blue Ribbon and beg the American public for forgiveness.

Q: Favorite press box? Favorite press box food?

CHAD: My favorite press box was Memorial Stadium in Baltimore for two reasons: (1) they had crab cakes and (2) it was the last press box I was ever in. I was a lot smarter when I was a lot younger, and I determined a long time ago that press boxes and locker rooms were a lousy place to spend any quality time. So I went home, turned on the TV and never went out again.

Q: Public figures who use the same shtick for 25 years eventually get criticized for not changing. How have you managed to avoid criticism, change, and unemployment?

CHAD: I sleep in.

Q: Mr. Chad, is your voice so naturally nasally or do you embellish it for TV purposes?

CHAD: Geez. Usually I’m told I have a face for radio. Now you’re telling me I have a voice for a microwave oven. I’m crestfallen.

Q: Isn’t the whole “I wear a blazer and a t-shirt” a little early 90′s?

CHAD: I’m not making a fashion statement — I just don’t dress well. Hey, if you spent two-thirds of your day on the couch and the other third of your day in a card room, you’re not exactly going to walk around looking like a cross between Prince Charming and Don Draper.

Q: Have you seen rounders? of all the poker action in that movie, what’s the biggest crock of shit?

CHAD: “Rounders” actually had a good eye and a good ear for the game. The biggest crock, actually, had nothing to do with poker: It was Gretchen Mol. If she hadn’t been written out of the story midway through the movie, she might’ve ruined it. She wasn’t acting, she was an empty seat in the living room. Anyway, any time I’m playing with a Russian, I still hear John Malkovich’s thick, preposterous accent as Teddy KGB.

Q: Can Meg tilly really play poker? What did you think of her nude scene in the getaway?

CHAD: I don’t know if Meg Tilly can play poker, but her sister Jennifer is pretty good on the felt. Her boyfriend is Phil Laak, a poker pro known as the “Unabomber.€ He’s very tough on the felt.

Q: you can play poker with any four people in the world. who you got at your table?

CHAD: Doyle Brunson, Phil Hellmuth, Daniel Negreanu and my first ex-wife, if the court order is lifted.

Q: have you ever hung out with javon walker in vegas? any athletes?

CHAD: The last athlete I played with in Las Vegas was Dominique Wilkins. We were playing blackjack together at the Las Vegas Hilton. I didn’t like it when he stood on 16 against a dealer 10 one time, but what could I do? Trash-talk him? Go baseline on him? We were both going to lose that day, anyway.

Q: Have you ever free styled?

CHAD: I got thrown out for rapping at the Wheaton, Md., public library about six years ago. My bad: I was in the reference room.

Q: With a three month gap until the NFL starts up, is the time right for MLB to capture people’s attention?

CHAD: I live in L.A. When the seventh-inning stretch hits at Dodgers Stadium, most of us get up to go home. Meanwhile, others are just arriving.

Q: Have you seen Kung Fu Panda?

CHAD: Regrettably, yes. Due to my new and current marital status, I now have an 11-year-old and a 9-year-old. I tried to talk them into watching James Caan in “The Gambler” on cable, but they insisted on “Kung Fu Panda.€ The movie had NOTHING. Oh, it’s for kids? Trust me, I would’ve hated it as a fourth-grader. Geez, where’s “Beanie and Cecil” when you need them? I was so disappointed in the movie, I refused to let either of my step children get ice cream afterward. (This was my second straight kid-flick misstep: I’m still reeling from “Speed Racer.€)

Q: Is Kevin Love the next slow big white guy to come to the NBA? Hello Big Country!

CHAD: I don’t blame Kevin Love for taking the money, but you’ve got to be insane to leave the UCLA campus at age 19 or 20. My goodness, the campus library is better than any singles bar! He was Big Man on Campus, with endless social options and a light class schedule. Now, he’s going to be at a road game in Charlotte, working the rail at a TGI Fridays. Bad move, dude.

Q: Could the World Series of Poker be done in any place where sunlight can enter?

CHAD: The World Series of Poker is heaven on Earth, even if all the shades are drawn. Sun is bad for the skin, anyway.

Q: How much money have you lost gambling over your life? Are you in Barkley’s class?

CHAD: Over my lifetime, I am ahead in poker, down in blackjack, down in sports betting, down at the race track, down at the dog track and down in keno.

Q: Situation you would rather be apart of: Being Joe Theismann during the Lawrence Taylor sack or being Scott Norwood during his field goal miss at Super Bowl XXV?

CHAD: I watched both of them live, on TV. The LT sack on Theismann was tougher to take in than several scenes of “Apocalypse Now.€ And, frankly, in its own way, so was Scott Norwood’s miss, since I was desperately rooting against the Giants at the time.

Q: Any good moustache grooming tips?

CHAD: Never shave when you’re half-asleep. I lost part of my mustache one morning and, since I had a rare job interview that day, I had to lose the rest of it.

Q: If your first wife took half, and your second wife took half of the half you were left with … how do you put food on the table?

CHAD: I don’t – I pay 50 bucks a year for a Costco card and go there weekdays for free lunch samples.

Q: Sidney Freakin’ Ponson? Is that what its come to for the Yankees?

CHAD: I assume Hank Steinbrenner re-hired George Costanza.

Q: What is the impact of Fresno State winning the CWS?

CHAD: Right after the game, the line to get into Applebee’s near campus was 45 minutes long.

Q: What reality TV shows do you watch?

CHAD: “Bingo America” on GSN and, occasionally The Weather Channel.

Q: Who you got today, Spain or Russia? Should I feel guilty for taking a day off work to watch the game at a bar with my buddies?

CHAD: I’m in a casino right now, 16 hours a day, buried in hold ‘em flops. Are Spain and Russia playing a game, or are they at war?

Q: You’ve got two first names. Would you rather it have been Chad Norman than Norman Chad?

CHAD: I would’ve rather it been James Dean.

Q: Does he really mail out $1.25 and who the hell is Shirley?

CHAD: Actually, I do – every reader who gets a question published at the end of my column gets mailed a dollar bill and a quarter – sending cash by the USPS is one of the most spiritually fulfilling things I have ever done. As for Shirley, I am committed to protecting her privacy.

Q: Newspaper circulation numbers are decreasing. Which do you think bears more responsibility for this: declining quality of reporting and writing or new (and free) competition for readers?

CHAD: Uh, I think there’s something called THE INTERNET. In fact, do me a favor: Get off-line RIGHT NOW and go to your nearest newsstand and buy three newspapers. If you can’t find a newsstand, then just come back home and play some poker online.

Q: are there poker groupies?

CHAD: There are two in my lap right now. They love the way I say “wamboozled.€

Q: you said in a radio interview that you can’t criticize ESPN anymore. what’s the most frustrating part about this?

CHAD: I criticize everything all day long, so if you take away ESPN, it’s like an executive chef losing part of his spice rack.

Q: favorite sports movie of all-time?

CHAD: Some days it’s “Raging Bull,” some days it’s “Eight Men Out,” some days it’s “The Hustler,” some days it’s “Slap Shot.€ On no days is it ever “The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh.€

Q: I’m going to the beach this weekend, can you recommend any bug repellent?

CHAD: Jimmy Kimmel.

Q: I’ve heard that the broadcast of the world series of poker are scripted and re-edited together after the actual event (to what degree I’m not sure). How entertaining do you think the broadcasts, and poker television in general would be if it were done live?

CHAD: The problem with live tournament poker is this: On most hands, one person raises and everyone else folds. This goes on and on for hours. (My second marriage was very similar to this, and, well, we couldn’t take it any longer.)

Q: fill in the blank: Dick Vitale is _____

CHAD: …much more successful than I am.

Q: Super Bowl winner this season?

CHAD: I had the Colts -17 against the Jets in Super Bowl III. You think I’ve got a clue?

Q: Greatest concert you’ve ever been to?

CHAD: True story: I’ve only been to one concert in my life. In college, three women I knew needed a ride to see Kenny Loggins (Toto was the opening act), and I drove them. When they rushed the stage for Kenny Loggins’ encore, I did not rush it with them – I went to get the car.

Q: You don’t really play Keno, do you?

CHAD: Another true story: I was dating a blackjack dealer in the 1990s who loved to play keno when we went to casino coffee shops. She got very mad at me once when I didn’t tip the keno runner for her – she said I was “cheap” – and she dumped me, oh, maybe three weeks later. To this day, I tip ALL KENO RUNNERS, even if I’m not playing.

Q: You just won the lottery. What is your first purchase?

CHAD: That’s easy: Another lottery ticket.

Q: Best book you’ve ever read?

CHAD: My three favorites: “A Moveable Feast” by Ernest Hemingway, “The Stranger” by Albert Camus and “Sports World” by Robert Lipsyte.

Q: what kind of computer do you prefer, mac or PC?

CHAD: Got converted to Apple three years ago. And like they say, “Once you go Mac, you never go back.€

Q: funnier in their prime, Dave Chappelle or Eddie Murphy?

CHAD: That’s like asking if Grace Kelly or Halle Berry is more beautiful. I’d have to call it a dead heat.

Q: You’re beginning a new all-sports television network. The new network will have a flagship SportsCenter-like program, only there will be one anchor instead of several. Which current on-air personality, ESPN or otherwise, would you tap to be the face of your fledgling network?

CHAD: I like understated, smart and funny. So I’ll take Kenny Mayne with my first pick and, when he hits air, I’ll lean back in my Barcalounger with a glass of Two-Buck Chuck and take in his smooth sounds.

Q: has anyone ever taken your humor the wrong way, ever been approached about it?

CHAD: I never even touched the woman.

Q: Is it acceptable to drink at the tables while playing? Is there rules against that. I never see anybody with drinks while on tv? Who plays poker and doesn’t drink a little?

CHAD: You can drink to your heart’s content. Most players don’t drink while playing. But some will have a beer or two. I like wine or Kahlua while I’m playing (unless there’s Yoo-hoo in stock).

Q: Topic – College Football. Norman Chad, Go.

CHAD: You go. I’m not going to waste another breath on the hypocritical mythology that is big-time college football, young lad. (Now, read that in Howard Cosell’s voice and it will seem more sensible.)